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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272857">"I Don’t Think I Like Myself Very Much"</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenBones/pseuds/GoldenBones'>GoldenBones</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chronic Pain, Gen, Klaus' struggle can be a metaphor for chronic illness if you squint, Me projecting really fucking hard onto Klaus while writing fanfiction: “It’s free therapy.”, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Season/Series 01, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:35:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>544</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272857</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenBones/pseuds/GoldenBones</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I know, it just… hurts all the time. It hurts, Diego. Every day hurts me so much. I can barely sleep some days.”</p><p>Klaus’ eyes were dark, he almost seemed haunted.</p><p>“Klaus,” Diego started, softly, “all of us hurt. None of this is easy for any of us.”</p><p>“I know Diego, it’s just…” His head was starting to throb. This was getting nowhere. “I don’t think I want this life. And I hate myself for feeling that way.” </p><p>or</p><p>Klaus tries to open up to Diego and they struggle to understand each other in the way that only family can struggle.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diego Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>"I Don’t Think I Like Myself Very Much"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I don’t know if I love myself but I don’t think I like myself very much.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Hunched over himself on the bench, Klaus took another drag from his cigarette. “I don’t think I like who I am as a person. And-" he frowned, mostly to himself. "I don’t know what that means.”</p><p>His eyes had a startling lucidity to them. Diego looked away.</p><p> </p><p>Silence.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus turned towards Diego, looking up at him. They were only a short walk from the Hargreeves’ residence, but it was just far enough from their prying eyes.</p><p>“In the middle of our last mission, I…” Klaus seemed to be searching for the right words, “I realized I didn’t want this life.”</p><p>“Hell of a time to be making self-discoveries, Klaus.”</p><p>“I know. I just… didn’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle Dad and all these missions where we try to save everyone and everything all the time. Sometimes… <em>Sometimes</em>, I wonder if Five disappeared on purpose.”</p><p>“Klaus!”</p><p>“I know, it just… hurts all the time. It hurts, Diego. Every day hurts me so much. I can barely sleep some days.”</p><p>Klaus’ eyes were dark, he almost seemed haunted.</p><p>“Klaus,” Diego started, softly, “all of us hurt. None of this is easy for any of us.”</p><p>“I know Diego, it’s just…” His head was starting to throb. This was getting nowhere. “I don’t think I want this life. And I hate myself for feeling that way.”</p><p>“No shit, Klaus.” Diego let out a small sigh. “None of us <em>wanted</em> this life, but we do what we have to do to survive. You know how many people would kill to be in our position?”</p><p>“I know, Diego. Don’t you think I know that already?” Klaus finished his cigarette and dropped the butt in his jacket. </p><p>He threw a wry smile at Diego. "For the birds, you know."</p><p>"Yeah," Diego said numbly.</p><p> </p><p>A pause</p><p> </p><p>"I guess..." he chewed over his words slowly. "I guess I'm just afraid."</p><p>"Of?"</p><p>"Of... I don't know."</p><p>Diego didn’t really think about such things. Fear was meant to keep you alive on the ground, any other time it was a nuisance.</p><p>"Klaus, are you... are you okay?"</p><p>“I just- I spend every day in pain, doing whatever I can to avoid dealing with the capital P ‘problem’ that is my entire fucking life. The only time I can be at peace is when I’m asleep and even then, it’s a crapshoot.”</p><p>“I-“ Diego stammered. “I don’t think any of us noticed. I’m… sorry for letting you down. As a brother and as a friend.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>Another long silence.</p><p> </p><p>The clarity would fade from his eyes sometimes, but today they were sharp. Tired, but they still held that piercing quality.</p><p>“Sometimes I see my regrets when I close my eyes. Hundreds of small regrets eating away at me, and it makes me wonder if I’ll be able to move on when I, you know,” he said as he made a waving motion with his hand.</p><p>Diego reached out to touch his shoulder. Klaus flinched at the sensation.</p><p>“Klaus, you good?”</p><p>He covered his eyes with his palms and mumbled something.</p><p>“C’mon, let’s get back home.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Every time I think about the interactions between Klaus and Diego, I see a past where a situation like this has definitely happened before so *weak honking* here we are.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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